I just spent three days in Phoenix for the wedding of my friend Matt’s sister. We stayed at a “resort hotel.” I have stayed at nice hotels but never at a resort hotel, and it was a little insane. But I have to say that in the midst of an expansive golf course and about ten swimming pools and various arrangements of cacti, the highlight for me was the workout room. And no, I am not turning into some sort of gym freak, and I still like the outdoors better than the indoors. But damn, it was nice. If I had access to this kind of workout room (and access to some sort of time machine) I would happily work out two hours a day.

The first attraction was the shiny sleek smooth equipment. As I’ve said I like the big robot machines, but all these machines felt friendly and sturdy and… svelte. The weights rose and fell with appropriately muscular steadiness and control, and all in near silence. Small simple diagrams highlighted target muscle groups. Though I’m barred from leg machines there were five upper body machines to keep me busy.

What with the Phoenix heat and my nagging knee, ellipticals and treadmill sessions replaced my runs. Though I am exceptionally good at amusing myself – a legacy of only-childhood that allows me to keep entertained in an empty room for hours at a time – ellipticals and treadmills challenge even my high threshold for boredom. But these ellipticals and treadmills had large display screens that not only provided detailed information about speed, incline, resistance, heart rate, calories burned, and other workout minutiae, but also doubled as televisions. Televisions with Full Resort Cable. So I ran towards Nicole Kidman for an hour.

In addition to being sexy and entertaining, the workout room was full of small amenities. The machines each had a crisp clean white workout towel rolled and waiting. A table in the back had extra sets of headphones, and a tower of wet washcloths, and a cooler full of ice water. Ice water with sliced limes. Suddenly I have less awe for the toned physique of stars like Madonna. I mean, we’d all be a lot more kickass if it came with iced lime water.